What is toxic positivity and why is it so bad for mental health? It may seem weird to think that being positive could ever be unhealthy. Just about every post on social media tells us to think happy thoughts. This can be great in some cases. It can be less-than-great in other cases, however. In this article, I’ll be sharing some thoughts on why positivity isn’t always healthy.
In this blog post, I’ll be talking about the following:
- How toxic positivity increases the cycle of guilt
- How it has a huge effect on your self worth
- How it decreases motivation and halts growth
- How it increases your feeling of isolation
While I am all about affirmations, gratitude and striving towards a more positive mindset, there’s a fine line between gently adjusting how you see the world (and most importantly, yourself) and the stereotypical “you can do it” inspiration that people see as positive thinking.
It’s important to note that this type of inspiration/motivation/positivity/gratitude does not come from a bad place. When friends, family and other people tell you to think happy thoughts or send you quotes telling you to be grateful, they are trying to help.
For many, inspirational quotes can be great for motivation. For those of us who are struggling to keep ourselves together, it’s more complicated. Toxic positivity can be extremely dangerous for those who are already dealing with self worth, burnout and stress.
The Problem with Toxic Positivity
Can positivity really be a bad thing, though? According to Psychology Today, toxic positivity can harm mental health. Telling someone to do things like “good vibes only”, “work harder every day” or (my personal favourite) “your thoughts create your reality” isn’t helpful. It’s like telling someone with a serious illness to think happy thoughts. Even if it’s meant well, it does not inspire feelings of actual positivity. Instead, it does the opposite.
From increased feelings of guilt to decreased self worth, decreased motivation, and feelings of isolation, here are the biggest problems with toxic positivity.
It increases the cycle of guilt.
I don’t know how often I’m told to be grateful for what I have in my life. Don’t get me wrong – I am always grateful. As part of my bedtime routine, I reflect on my day and think about what has made me feel grateful. I know that many people have it worse. I don’t need to be told that all the time because it makes me feel that my problems aren’t valid.
In the last few years, I’ve gone through battles with epilepsy, depression, anxiety, burnout, grief, a major move that uplifted my entire life, and many other challenges. Many people have faced bigger challenges. That doesn’t mean that life has not felt unbearably hard. On top of dealing with everything else, I have to also feel guilty for having it ‘easier’ than others.
That sets off a cycle of negative thinking, as I start to feel that my problems are not valid. You can be grateful for the good. You don’t have to be told you should feel lucky for not having it worse.
It affects your self worth.
You know what goes hand-in-hand with feelings of guilt? Poor self worth. If you are already battling with this, and you are told that you should be grateful for what you have because it could be harder, there is a big danger of sinking into a spiral of negative self worth.
You may start to feel that your challenges are not important. You may feel that you should be managing better. If you’re an overthinker like me, you might start to feel that you are being neurotic and overreacting. I get told I’m neurotic frequently. I know I overthink everything. I’m hyper-aware of others seeing me as being neurotic.
So when I am told to not overthink things or to relax or told it’s all ok, all my self worth issues come to the surface. I start feeling shitty about myself, which makes me more stressed.
It reduces motivation.
This one sounds funny, I know. Who would think that being told to seize the day, make it happen, get out there and smash those goals, and work hard would make you feel less motivated? Again, it goes back to those complex feelings of guilt and self worth. You might compare yourself to those Instagram people who seem to all be gearing up for success, starting with morning coffee, healthy breakfasts and hour-long gym sessions at 6 am.
The irony of saying this today is that I was one of those people a few years back. I still truly believe that self care is about creating healthy habits and routines. I used to wake up early, do my meditation in the morning, and get a lot done. The thing is, I was in an already positive state of mind at that point. I wasn’t battling depression and anxiety. Things were going well, so it was easier to do all the things and feel motivated.
Now that my mental health is struggling, my motivation looks a little different. I do not seize the day and make things happen – not in the Insta-worthy way. Sending me messages telling me to make today great or sending an inspirational quote telling me to slay the day will not do much.
Rather than toxic positivity, a better approach would be to tell someone to go easy on themselves. Or to take small steps. Or even to get through the day and if it isn’t the best day, maybe tomorrow will be better. That does more for motivation than anything with hashtags like hustle, work hard or like a boss.
It increases feelings of isolation.
As I said earlier, positive thoughts on their own are not a bad thing. Telling someone to make today count is not a deliberate way to make anyone feel worse if the plan involves simply putting one foot in front of the other. It’s when it becomes a habit that it gets difficult.
When family, friends and others send meaningless messages telling us to be happy, be grateful or get up and motivate ourselves, it can be isolating. In my case, when I tell someone that I am struggling, I just want to be heard. I don’t want them to give me advice, as well-meaning as it may be. I don’t want them to tell me to be grateful as things could be worse.
I don’t want them to tell me to just relax and be happy. I want them to listen. I want them to tell me that they are there, they love me, and they know things are hard. If they have chocolate, that is even better. Hugs are good, too. Empathy is far more helpful than platitudes. Otherwise, I feel alone, guilty for having problems that are not seen as valid, and more depressed than ever.
What can we do when our loved ones are struggling? We can listen to what they are saying. We can try not to offer advice unless they need any. We can acknowledge their struggles with empathy and compassion. We can avoid sending them memes telling them to just be positive. We can tell them it’s ok to not be ok. We can tell them that even though things may feel helpless right now, they won’t always feel that way.
Most important of all, rather than going with toxic positivity that helps no one, we can simply be there with them, letting them know we care.
